


Finally Singing a Requiem

by waywardstardust



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tree Bros, slightly AU, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 16:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15999296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardstardust/pseuds/waywardstardust
Summary: What if Evan did know Connor better before he took his own life? What if that scene where Heidi asks Evan about Connor Murphy had gone differently?





	Finally Singing a Requiem

Evan stared at his laptop screen. He willed himself not to cry anymore. He’d spent the last few days on the verge of tears and it was exhausting. Of course, not nearly as exhausting as the dull, constant pressure on his chest.

His laptop had been opened on a picture of Connor for the past 30 minutes.

 _The_ picture of Connor.

The only picture of him he had, the only picture he’d taken of him.

The only picture he could ever take of him.

Evan’s head was aching from the days of crying.

All he could think about, was the last time he saw Connor. If only he could’ve been able to tell Connor was in so much pain… If only he knew about how he was treated at home… If only he hadn’t been too blinded by his ‘I love you’ to ask more questions… If only he hadn’t let him walk away from him that day…

Great, here come the tears again.

Suddenly Evan heard his mother’s footsteps approaching his door. Evan quickly wiped his face on his shirt collar and cleared his throat.

His mother came in carrying a pile of papers. College scholarship essay contests, it turned out. His mother was so excited about what college could be for Evan, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than Connor, let alone college.

After making plans for a taco tuesday and essay subject brainstorming session, his mother went quiet for a minute before speaking up again.

“Hey. I, um, I got an email from your school today. About a boy who killed himself? Connor Murphy? I didn’t, I had no idea.” She carefully explained.

Evan felt his heart stop. He was not prepared to talk about this with anyone. He was not expecting for his mother to bring it up. To bring him up.

“Oh. Yeah. Well… I didn’t really know him.” Evan lied, trying to end the conversation where it started.

“You know that… if you ever, if you want to talk about anything… I realize that lately it must feel like, I’m always working or I’m in class…” His mother explained guiltily.

“It’s fine.” Evan assured her.

“Well, I’m here. And if I’m not here here, I’m a phone call away. Or text. Email. Whatever.” His mother said, giving him a warm, sympathetic look.

“Thanks.” Evan replied, really hoping this was the end of the conversation.

Yet, his mother still stood in the middle of his room. She still had something to say.

“All right. It says 'Connor.’” Heidi finally said, pointing at Evan’s cast.

Evan froze for a moment. He’d completely forgotten the signature on the cast. Even though Connor had made it enourmous. 'I like to mark my territory.’ He’d said.

“Oh. Yeah. No.” Evan tried to deny it, but he felt hot tears behind his eyes. No, not now.

“You said you didn’t know him.” His mother questioned.

”No. I didn’t. This is…” Evan began, but couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

His brain felt numb. His whole body felt numb. He’d managed to hide Connor from his mother, but this… This was too much. He could barely get himself out of bed, and now his mother had straight up confronted him about it. There was no way he could lie his way out of this.

Suddenly he burst into tears. Heidi stood still, shocked, for a second before flying to her son’s side, wrapping her arms around him.

“Oh honey.” She said, brushing Evan’s short blond hair as he cried.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked.

Evan needed time to catch his breath.

After some deep inhales followed by slow exhales, he was finally able to get some words out between sobs.

“I don’t- he- we weren’t… No one knew we were… friends.” He tried to explain.

“Why not?” Heidi questioned softly.

“We- we’re… We were-” Evan hiccuped, “so different. A-and people… People don’t understand.” He explained.

“Oh sweetie… I’m so sorry.” Heidi said, her heart breaking at the sight of her son so devastated. “I can’t imagine what losing a friend feels like.”

“I-I loved h-him.” Evan sobbed.

“I know, honey, I’m so sorry.” She continued to brush his hair in an attempt to comfort him.

“No, I r-really lo-loved him.” Evan tried to explain, sobs completely taking over his body now.

And Heidi understood.

She had no idea Evan had anyone he spent his time with, let alone someone he loved.

Suddenly she felt such anger.

How could his poor son, who had been lonely for years, lose the person he loved, having finally found them?

The world was a cruel place and she wanted nothing more than to protect her son, but now all she could do was hold him as he cried his heart out.

“I’m so sorry.” She kept repeating as Evan cried and cried.

For a long while, Heidi just held Evan and let him cry. It had been a long time since Evan let her this close, let her see how he felt.

After Evan finally calmed down, Heidi sat and listened to him talk about Connor Murphy.

Evan had a million stories about how he was intimidated by Connor when they first met and how they’d go on rides in Connor’s car and how he’d drawn pictures of Evan even though he protested.

How he helped Evan through anxiety attacks and how Evan helped him through withdrawals.

How he told Evan he loved him and how even though it lead to Evan having an anxiety attack, it was the best day of Evan’s life.

How everyone saw him as a bad guy but how Evan thought he was the most caring person he’d met.

She never got the chance to meet Connor, but through Evan’s stories and the small smile that graced his features when he talked about him, Heidi got to love Connor Murphy too.

As unbelievably painful as losing the person you love had to be for him, she was glad Evan had these memories, these moments with Connor. She’d never seen him with such a spark in his eyes like when he talked about Connor.

That night, when she went to bed, Heidi looked up at the night sky and silently thanked Connor Murphy and wished he was no longer in pain.

In another room of the house, Evan dug up the note Connor had left for him, held it tight and did the very same thing.


End file.
